I’m sharing something in this post today that is pretty personal and after having reached out to a few people recently, I realized how important it is to share it where others can see it too in hopes that maybe it can help someone who might need it.
I have not been well. My mental health is not good, but I am working on it. I do think that I’m coming out the other side, but I’m still inside the madness a bit and making the trek out. Not too long ago, I was completely falling apart and nearly lost it. I did lose myself, and I’m closer to that than being out, but being past it definitely feels better than being at the brink of the worst. There was a turning point for me, and just after that, I was struck by something I almost shared publicly, but decided to save it and share something else instead. It was the fact that I wrote it and saved it that actually struck me. I feel like the comparison of the two notes was supposed to be shared. So here they are:
This is what I wrote but did not share:
Hello good people of Instagram. I am not sleeping and am very tired. In my hours of darkness – both literally and figuratively – I have been making some neat things… but the price of that is also my well-being. Something’s got to give. I cannot keep up this way. I want you all to know this because social media can really be misleading. I have been prolific, productive, and occasionally get out of my studio to make it to a show. And that is what I share here. But there is a part I’m not showing, and it’s the biggest part of how most of my year has gone.. and it’s that I am not well. Perhaps it goes to show that madness can quite honestly provide such a boon for creativity, and truthfully, I’ve gotten to the point of craving that state of being in order to summon what I feel has been some of my better work. But it comes at a price. Call it madness, depression, anxiety, exhaustion, or any other mentally and physically debilitating outcome, but that’s the real truth of it. I love you all. I need help.
I read it and almost deleted it, but I knew I couldn’t post it. I saved it to my notes on my phone, and instead, I wrote and posted this:
Working non-stop. Here’s something that appeared in the wee hours of the night. If you’ll be at IX next week, stop by to see her (and me!) in person. I will be the one looking like I’ve not slept in months. (smiling sweat-on-brow emoji) (snoozing emoji) #imaginativerealism #figure #oilpainting #oil #painting
Both are true, but one is a truth that was staring right back at me in a way that was an affirmation of a turning point, and one that I am now taking steps to finding my way back up from. The other is a truth that is masking the more serious truth.
Why didn’t I post the first one? First, some may argue that maybe social media doesn’t seem like the optimal place to reach out when feeling lost or unstable, and yes, I do have friends I can reach out to – and I have. There’s also getting help from a professional.. But I want to say that I wouldn’t disregard social media as a place to reach out either, at least initially. Maybe that is the best place for someone. Maybe, in that time of uncertainty, it feels like the place where the ratio of people seeing it may lend itself to getting some sort of response and help over casting out a message to one close friend. So there’s that. The biggest reason that I felt I couldn’t post it, in my mind, was that it would effect the possible interest and/or interpretation of the painting to have this depressing post linked to or representing my art. It’s a different conversation to have. It’s definitely one to have (and that’s why I thought to save the original content), but not along with the painting I was posting, or in any way in a representation of my work. Basically, what I’m saying here is that I felt that it would be unprofessional.
This is quite a monster of a problem to even be thinking about. Whether or not we should reach out when having a nervous breakdown so as not to jeopardize the interest in the work we’re doing. That should not even be a question or concern, but I can bet I’m not the only one that thinks this way. Because as an independent artist, there is really no distinction between our work and our selves. At least, the line between the two does become blurred. There are other reasons I think to not post such things, such as just not bringing others down, or feeling like I need to suck it up and be stronger somehow and just keep on going. Or that by reaching out, I’m somehow showing that I’m weak. But I want to make something clear here by posting this today. I’m in a little bit better place now since then and I want to say: Asking for help when feeling emotionally unstable is not a sign of weakness. But whether it’s a sign of weakness or not, it really doesn’t matter. I know this, but still, I held back. I believe the biggest reason I held back is that I’ve formed a sort of problem for myself in coming across in such a way that I will always need to uphold a facade of being a strong person who is not bothered by what others think and/or that my strength is somehow measured by my ability to keep going even when I feel like I can’t. Even when I know it’s not physically possible. This is why I am sharing this. Because I am a strong person. I am a strong person with all kinds of emotions. Because I’m human. I am a hard-working person. I have a tremendously strong work ethic. But feeling depressed or insecure or unstable happens to every kind of person. My work ethic at the moment has become extremely distorted, and I’ve fallen into a deep deep hole. I would never tell anyone that they should be working in the ways I’ve been working in order to get projects done. It’s completely unhealthy what I’ve been doing to myself. So many issues have compounded this year that have brought me to this point. For one, my dad passed away earlier this year. If you’re a regular reader of Muddy Colors articles, you may remember that I posted a bit about him and shared a poem he had written. He died a few days after that post. And for that reason alone, it would be considered perfectly normal to be feeling lost or unstable.
When I was at IX last week, I had several incredible conversations regarding the issue of adversity and mental health. One thing that kept being said to me and so much that it ended up sounding like a repeating chant when I would be trying to go to sleep at night in the hotel was “..you matter, you matter, you matter, you matter..” At first, I think I was feeling a bit uncomfortable being told this. But then it would be said again, using maybe slightly different words, by someone else.. and then again, by someone else..and yet again, by someone else.. And I’d hear it in my sleep (thank you everyone, because seriously, what an amazing thing to have repeating in my head in my sleep. Truly!) I have had insomnia that I believe stemmed from my own inclination to forcibly deprive myself of sleep, I have not been eating, I have been really depriving myself of basic things that we need to live. In my bout with insomnia, I’ve had every possible terrible outcome of anything that would run through my head play itself out over and over again.. so having “you matter” repeating in my head as I lie awake at night or while I’m sleeping is definitely a positive thing!
Something else hit me when I got home and had received a wonderful text from a friend saying “you are so much more than your art.” When combined with having heard things like “you matter”, I realized that I’ve gotten so lost that I was basing my self worth mainly on the work I produce. This is definitely something that I think is important for me (and all of us who might do this) to be aware of and work on. In some ways, I’ve always felt that seeing the two things combined or actually just truly as one and the same is important because the art is essentially the creator. But it’s more of an extension of ourselves. If we paint from what we know and feel, that’s our authentic voice and vision, yes, but there is so much more to us than the work we do. To have these other things being said to me in this other context really hit me. I have been weighing all of my self worth on my output of the art I create. That’s a different thing altogether and something I want to point out because all of what we do can become compounded and so convoluted, and to only view our self worth by our work alone is so limiting. So, thank you to the wonderful human beings who were telling me “you matter” in some way or another. I didn’t know I needed to be told this, but I realize now that I did. And I realize that it’s something we all can be reminding each other of, too. And those who’ve said it have made such a difference by saying it. You Matter.
Well, here I am saying thank you again to my art family, as I have many times. Without you all, I’m not sure where I would be. Truly. If you are reading this, and you recall the conversations we had recently, this goes out to you because you helped me see how important this is to share, and though it’s not easy to share this, it might help someone. You’ve helped me, and I am forever grateful.
If you have a friend that needs to hear this, by all means share this post with them if you think it will help.. and thank you thank you thank you, to my art family. Sending out so much love.
The artwork shared in this post is by Michel Gagne, from his book “A Search For Meaning – The Story Of Rex” The artwork is wonderful, and the story is absolutely worth the read, and worth sharing with others too. Here is a link to the full story, then click “next” above the image to turn the pages. A Search For Meaning
I have a daughter who is going through mental struggles… children grown and gone, husband middle aged and isn’t working, no household income, staggering debt, working through treatments of Stage 2 breast cancer… Speaking as a father… she matters… You matter!
She does matter! And you do too. Your love and concern for her as her father is clear. I hope you are able to tell each other how much you matter to each other. And thank you for your show of support for me as well.
Thank you for this post. You do matter, and you are more than your art. We don’t know each other at all personally, and we may never meet. Yet, this is a nice timely reminder to me as well. Thank you.
Dear Vanessa, thank you so much for what you said. It is awakening to hear that it hurts even an artist of your strength to count ones worth by ones creations. Where would the rest of us then be! You are wonderful person and I hope you will get well soon!
Hi Alexandra- Thank you for your kind words and support. A big part of why I posted this is because I know many might find it both surprising and perhaps a relief to hear this from me. It shows that this sort of thing happens to any and all kinds of people. Thank you for your concern as well. I am doing well, and will be okay! As we all will be with the support of those around us. I’ve found this especially by having reached out and found that there is so much love and support in all the responses I’ve received. It’s been amazing. And I hope that others who are in a similar space can know that reaching out is so valuable too.
hi John. Thank you so much. And I’m so glad to hear that this article is timely and may have been helpful to you as well. I truly wish you all the best, and am so grateful for your support and for taking the time to send this nice message along to me.
Sending love from New York. May you abide peacefully in whatever realm you tread.
Thank you so much, Steve. Much love to you from across the states on the other coast. I appreciate your good words and support.
An absolutely stunning post, Vanessa. And so important to all of us. Thank you for your ferocity in your work and in yourself, and the journey your revealing here that is so personal and true. So many people go through this experience and do so alone, and your bravery in speaking aloud to this is powerful, enabling and mighty. Thank you.
Thank you so very much, Greg. This means so much to me. I’m glad that your words are here for others to see.. Some words like revealing, true and personal are definitely words I believe I was in line with when writing this (and really, in how I am and what I show in my work). Combining those with words like ferocity, powerful, enabling, and mighty was not something I’d been thinking about when writing this post, but I’ve heard from others since posting this these same sorts of things. Perhaps that’s where the fear lies in speaking up about these sorts of things. We feel that we’re not mighty enough. I had never thought of myself as mighty, but my peers have expressed that I am. That I’m brave for posting this. It’s an incredibly eye-opening thing to have your own personal view of yourself revealed to you in this way. I am lifted up so high from the support this Art Family has shown. That is how I feel the strength most of all. The reveal of the reciprocity and the power it gives is absolutely amazing. Thank you again. I appreciate you!
OMG Vanessa you can’t imagine how much this post resonates with me. I have at various times in my life felt exactly this way. I think I’ve always been a little bit “different” but I used to think there was something very wrong with me. My fall back position always seemed to be slightly to not so slightly depressive. I began to read artists’ biographies and somehow it helped. Maybe it’s because what we do is so personal and we have to open ourselves up to public scrutiny and deal with it. Deal with rejection, deal with criticism, other people’s egos, etc etc. Thank you so much for sharing these thoughts. I KNOW that you will have helped a lot of people. I miss you !!!!! xoxox
Aw Anita! I miss you too! To hear this from you is eye-opening as well. I know you, and so I do know you are a very real person who has self doubt and insecurities and all, but your public persona is Powerful and Mighty (repeating words from Greg’s comment above, but it rings true for you without a doubt). When I first met you, there are two instances that stand out to me. The first was when we hadn’t met formally yet and you were giving a lecture. You were showing the work you’ve done for the covers of Time and such magazines. I found myself getting choked up because of the fearlessness that you show in making these pieces – not only making them, but then the fact that they are these magazines that will be seen by millions of people. Your courage in revealing yourself and your beliefs like that is absolutely inspiring. And that you’re a female illustrator on top of that, especially in a different time than now, just added to my admiration and respect. You’ve paved the way for me and other female and all illustrators. The other is when you stood up for me on that same day, after just having met me and we were all having drinks together. You literally stood up and called out someone who was publicly demeaning me, and demanded an apology right then and there. I am forever grateful for this, and though it might be a small moment in time, it was a huge and powerful thing for me to have seen. I was trying to remain quiet while these things were being said to me in front of others so as not to seem disrespectful and out of being intimidated. I know you knew this. Your standing up for me meant the world to me. It was not lost on me. I hope that I can be to others what you’ve been for me. I admire you so much, and am proud to call you my friend.
Thank you so much Vanessa for sharing your story here, it is so great to share this story so that people can be more aware what it is like to struggle with mental health. I have depression, I’ve been taking anti-depressants since I was 18 (I’m 40 now) and I have always shared this with anyone who asks as I think it’s important to take the stigma away from it. It is not a weakness, it’s a health condition. When I was first diagnosed and started taking medication I had my best friend tell me that she didn’t think I should take anti-depressants and should instead pray about it! My response was if I had a heart condition and was taking medication for it would you say the same thing?! And of course I had been praying about it – it was the first thing I did! Of course not everyone feels comfortable with sharing, I’m glad you did. I would love to hear from more people about mental health especially in this community. By the way there’s a great podcast called “The Hilarious World of Depression” it started out as being podcast about comedians journey with depression, as a fellow creative I could really relate to a lot of stories, I highly recommend giving it a lesson. And here’s to getting through the dark valley of super rough times, may the days get easier, your heart lighter and your head clearer <3 You are a champion
hi Belinda – Thank you so much for sharing your story here, and for the support. I truly appreciate it. I’m so glad to hear that you are giving yourself the care that you need to work with your depression. I cannot claim that I have depression, myself. Not in a clinical sense – I’ve never been diagnosed with it is what I mean. My recent bout that I’ve shared here came from a series of things compounded and spiraling out of control causing a delusional state of being. Definitely caused by deprivation. I was depriving myself of basic needs in order to do the work I was doing, and it took its toll. I believe that’s why this post has surprised many people. (I’ve received an overwhelming amount of messages on many platforms since posting this). A constant deprivation of things like sleep and eating can cause a certain madness or delusion, and I can attest to that. I became dangerously immersed in and enthralled with the possibilities that lie there in those deeper realms caused by deprivation. All of this most likely caused by my unstable mental health due to my dad’s passing earlier this year. I’m in a much better place now, and I wanted to share my story because I know that many artists get caught up in the sacrifice of their own well-being in order to produce what we think is our best work. It’s a slippery slope, especially when going there with a lack of clarity. I generally have retained a good sense of clarity, but there are times that my own thoughts can get the better of me as well. I share this for all, and have found that all sorts of people and all levels of artists have been here to some degree. I’ve found strength in the support of others, without a doubt. Thank you again. I appreciate your encouragement! Much love to you.
I don’t have much to add, but I wanted to say that your contributions have been so important to how I think about art and art-making, all the way back to your classes at 2nd Street. Please take care of yourself. <3
I have never replied before, but your words struck a chord within me. My struggle continues every day, though I have made great strides in my 50 plus years with the help of Faith, family, friends, and yes, professional help. I still feel many of my best pieces are from when my “monsters” were loose, but there can be balance. You DO matter, Vanessa. You are much more than your art, but it is a part of you; a deep part. Social media can help even with the stigma of mental health being out there. Take everything moment by moment, breathe often with focus and make life full of more ups that downs. You got this, I promise. You are not alone. Best wishes.
hi Victor- Thank you for your kind words here. I’m sorry to hear about your daily struggles. Please do continue to take care of yourself too. I do understand about the balance and that the beautiful work that can come from the monsters and dark places. I agree. I also agree that balance is best. You are so nice to reach out with so much support and encouragement. I am back to my routine of mindfulness and meditation, which I had lost sight of during my low points not too long ago, and that has definitely helped. You take care, be well, and thank you again.
hi John – I’m so glad to hear that my contributions have helped you in some way. And it’s so cool to hear it goes way back to Studio 2nd Street! So many great memories from that studio. A lot of magic happened there. <3 I am definitely taking better care of myself now, and feeling much better than the moments I wrote about in this article. Thank you so much for your concern and support. I appreciate you.
You are beautiful inside and out and the world is grateful for you being a part of it. The art you share is the smallest piece of that, the tip of the iceberg that is visible above the waterline. As someone who has struggled with such things in my own life, I am grateful to you for sharing so much, so honestly, and so openly here. Thank you and I hope you see far more light than darkness soon. Focus on all the warmth and beauty you can find.
aw thank you so much, Sarah, for all of this. This comment is filled with such amazing and uplifting words – thank you! <3 I'm sorry to hear that you struggle with some things, and I hope you're able to find ways to work with it. I think I'll plan on still working with both the light and the darkness – because I do find beauty in both – but definitely with more of a balance. I wish you so much love, warmth, and beauty too, and thank you again.
I’m 52 now, and dedicated my life to art from around 16, leaving home to study, breaking away from what the family wanted me to do, working all the crappy jobs or having to go on Government benefits to support my dream, showing my art and not selling anything a lot of the time. I’m still pretty much in the same place and not sure why, considering the years I’ve spent. In a part-time crappy job, suffering from noisy neighbours whilst i try to paint at home, on top of this being gay and single for so long doesn’t help. I know now life is not linear, it’s a kind of maze, and try to carry the goal with me, in me, rather than it being somewhere over there. Nature is a great helper and glad it features a lot in my art. But all I’ve been through has had a massive effect on my mental health and recently toook a course in Cognitive Behavoiur Therapy, which helped a lot. Also Julie Stephensons book The Artists Way, But I also think we have to go through these dark times, a kind of initiation….a trial by fire. Thanks for sharing and good to hear your progressing beyond it into a better place.
hi David – Thank you for the suggestions. I’m familiar with and have read The Artist’s Way, and am in line with many of the aspects of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy as well. I’m glad to hear that it has been a help to you. I’m sorry to hear of the adversity in your life, and do understand about having to go through dark times in our lives. The experience I speak of here in this post was something more recent, but not the first or only. This one was something I also began to see that my own thoughts and behavior was facilitating it, and as I was making my way back out of that deep hole I had climbed into, some of the words my peers had for me really helped me see it in a different light. Especially in a sort of repetition like I mentioned. It needed to be drilled into me a bit before it really set in. Since it was so recent, it was something I felt I could share and write about with it still so fresh in my mind. But most importantly, after having spoken to my peers about it, I saw that so many of us are going through this. I thought by sharing it, that it might be of help to someone else too. At least as a start towards an understanding. All of our experiences are different, of course, and I’ve heard many over the past couple of days in having received so many responses in messages and phone calls and all. We are many. The support is heartening, and the amount of stories is eye-opening. I wish you all the best and I also wish you a progression into a better place. So much love to you.
Vanessa,
There was a period of about 10 years where alergy-induced sleep deprivation (I couldn’t breathe at night) made it absolutely intellectually impossible to make art. A blank piece of paper sat on my drawing table mocking me daily. I knew what kinds of things I wanted to make, but the brain was unwilling to execute.
I was able to do lots of other things: volunteer, start a business, father a child. But no art.
What I had to learn from that period was that even though art was “my thing”, it is not who I am. Who I am is made up of all those little moral decisions I make every moment of the day, and also of what I am telling myself about what is happening around me and to me. And like everyone I don’t always get it right. But I do believe that a positive bias is the way forward.
I am happy to be making art again. It was other people’s art that made me still want to make art. But we are more than this. You matter! No matter what! Because in the eternal balance of things, whether you take a nap or raise the dead, the pay is the same.
You are a work of art, Vanessa.
I wish you every good thing.
Hi Shawn- I’m sorry to hear about the years of issues with sleep deprivation you had, but happy you’re making art again. Thank you so much for the nice words and support. I appreciate you.
Thanks for sharing, and only the very best for you!
Hi Nico- Thank you, and all the best to you too. <3