Getting Lost and Found
Guest Post by Reiko Murakami
For a long time I thought that if I wanted to be a successful artist I needed to paint instead of draw. This article is about how I got lost in these thoughts and (just recently) found my way again.
Back in 2012 or so, when I was trying to figure out how to get into the fantasy illustration industry, I noticed much of the art I admired were paintings. Meaning no outlines on a figure, beautifully rendered lights and shadows, and super polished surface details. I compared these masterful artworks to my portfolio at the time and I thought I needed to paint like these artists. I graduated from art school, but I never learned painting…nor illustration. I was an animation major. I was drawing all the time, since I was a kid. I was comfortable enough with drawing lines, but I never thought I was allowed to keep it as the finished piece. I spent years after college trying to learn how to cover it up with beautiful rendering.
In 2014 I took Smart School with Rebecca Leveille Guay. The first thing she said to me was to work on the preliminary drawings. It was a surprise for me because I felt I needed to learn how to paint more than how to draw. I did a couple pieces with her, then with Scott Fischer, and that was the first time I noticed it’s ok to keep the lines in my work.
The art you admire is not necessarily the art you should be making.
-Sam Weber
Around that time I started to work for a game studio, and I became a character illustrator for one of the major games they were running. The expectations were very different from my usual comfort zone, and I did my best to prove that I deserved the job. I worked hard – too hard. The project was fun, and the team was great, but I noticed the more successful I became on the project, the more I felt empty. Eventually I realized it’s because I had been pretending that I was someone else who was famous for that kind of work. I struggled to paint in a style where I felt I wasn’t being honest to myself. The most difficult part about it was that the things that were received well on the project were the pieces where I suppressed myself artistically. My success on the project felt like a denial of my true self.
By late 2017 I was completely lost. Between the job and my personal work, I didn’t know which side of me was supposed be the “good” side. So I went back to Smart School and Rebecca again. This time we focused on letting myself free from the aesthetics I developed because of the job, while keeping the technical skill level that’s needed to create effective personal work. She suggested to start experimenting on small traditional pieces, so I started making coaster art. In the beginning they were quick sketches of my impressions of the surrounding world. I had been working in digital for my entire career, but doing traditional drawing in this way brought back the feeling of being close to the art. I experimented with covering the drawings with tracing paper and drawing over them again to try to recreate the textures I used in my digital work. In doing so I remembered how much I enjoyed the texture of tracing paper as a child. Slowly this layering process became a platform to have an honest conversation with myself. Does this really need to be a painting? You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone. Why can’t it be a drawing? Express yourself in the most honest way you can. You can do this. It’s ok. I started to remember myself as an artist.
It’s 2019 and I’m still in the process of finding my voice. I don’t know exactly who I am yet. However, this year at least I learned that it’s ok to be myself. I wanted to erase the lines in my art a few years ago because I felt that was my weakness…not being able to render like famous painters. I wanted to be that popular painter when I was on the game project. I learned I am neither one of these. I am a drawing person. I think with lines. And, it’s ok.
Post written by Reiko Murakami
Reiko Murakami, also known as Raqmo is a U.S. based concept artist and illustrator specialized in surreal fantasy and horror characters. Her work has been published in Spectrum, Infected by Art, ArtOrder Invitational: The Journal, Exposé, 2D Artist and many others. For the latest information please visit instagram. For inquiry please contact via email: raqmoful@gmail.com
Thanks so much for this article Reiko!
It has been of great help since I am in the same struggle. Trying to mimic what others do because their style is a tendency. But at some point it was their own unique style and they standed to it even though it wasn’t trendy at the moment.
I have always wondered if Velázquez thought “what I am painting is not good, what I really want is to paint like Rubens (or Leonardo or whoever)”. Do the master artists get comfortable with what they do at any time?
Thanks for sahring your thoughts. I’m in the same place as well, trying to find myself again, having imitated a wide arrange of 2D styles for professional work, I sort of lost the one thing I love the most, drawing. It is hard to say it’s ok, I’m not a painting artist, but it is also gratifying to say: this is what I love to do, drawing, how can I get the most out of it. I tried hard at painting and I got nice results, but whenever I post a simple drawing, people tell me: I like that, do more of those.
Maybe it’s the feeling that a drawing is not ready untill you cover it all with paint, but thats a missunderstanding. What matters is that if you feel free drawing, you will tell a better story with that illustration, but if you are too concerned about trying to match a style, you will get lost.
So true. Thanks for sharing.
That was beautiful.
Thanks for sharing this info with us.
What a well worded and thoughtful essay, thank you for sharing. Your work is beautiful, and the line work is so elegant! I, too, prefer to draw and paint by hand, and am particularly influenced by the fantasy cover art I saw as a young reader in the early 90s. I often wonder whether I will find a place as a primarily non-digital illustrator. This article was a welcome reminder to embrace what makes me enjoy art.